From Darkness To Light

(Originally Posted 1-4-2018)

In the night she cried out “No. No.”  She was pushing something away from her.  With her hands, she tried to be freed.  I listened and watched her struggle, afraid to wake her for fear of her not coming back to me.

These are just some of the things a person who has been sexually assaulted goes through, whether they are a child or an adult.  Nightmares, PTSD, depression, low self-esteem, constantly wondering if you are worthy to be loved, constantly wondering what you did wrong to cause this “thing” to happen to you, knowing deep down inside what has been done to you was a true act of violence and not of your doing, but the question always remains, “Why?  What if?”

In my search for significance to be a woman who was loosed from the darkness that surrounded me, I had to allow God to take me on the journey of recovery—a very long, painful and humiliating journey of recovery.  I had to allow him to take me back through the memories of every act of molestation and sexual abuse.  Very painful.  But despite my best efforts, I found it was the only way I was going to be free.  So, I allowed him to do it.  What I learned was this time, I was able to control the end result.

I was raised in a good home with loving parents who always told me to “Shoot for the stars.  You can do anything you set your mind to do.”  That is what I was taught from a very young age.  That is something that still holds true for me today.  Today, I am no longer afraid.  But despite my upbringing, it would take years before I really understood why I always felt “different” from other girls my age.  I always felt older, set apart, just different and never understood why.

It would take going through recovery from my abusive marriage for me to understand how life travesties can take a toll on a person’s life and set them up for defeat long before they ever arrive at the chance to try.  There is a truth about those who are sexually assaulted.  The outcome either way is devastating.  There are those who become sexually promiscuous—they take the attitude of “What does it matter anymore?”  There are those who completely withdrawal.  Then, there are those who remain angry and bitter.  At each pass, every relationship this person has at some point becomes directly affected because of the insane injustice levied against them.  Each outcome holds its own set of mountains and valleys, twists and turns and one never really knows what the outcome will be, but one always hopes for full recovery.  Only time and a really great, loving support system can one overcome the devastating effects of being sexually assaulted.

For me, I never really knew what happened.  I was so young, I couldn’t have understood what took place, but without a doubt, my mother understood what took place and she did everything within her power to see to it that never happened again.  At any rate, it opened the door to much worse.  There would be four attacks against me of this nature before I would be married.  Here’s where a history of deception and confusion has come into play. If your husband wants sex and you do not, and he insists on doing it anyway, is it assault?  Or, is she just refusing to submit to her  wifely duty??  I am here to set the record straight.  No means No.  Period.  Whether you are married or not.  Period.  You have no idea the power of the destructive nature of taking what has not been offered to you can be and how it can take a toll on a person’s mind, heart and soul.  If you put a gun to someone’s head and said, “Give me all your money or I’ll kill you,” don’t you think that would shake you up?  The same is true when a woman says No and her request is not respected.

How can a man who says he loves his wife roll her over and take what she does not want to give on that particular occasion?  Love does not demand its own way.  For the record, that’s not love.  So, why does a woman stay?  Peculiar question to which there is no firm answer to.  She is his wife.  To have and to hold, to love, honor and cherish.  Maybe he wasn’t really trying to hurt her?  Maybe she misinterpreted it?  Maybe not.  But she’s his wife.  She has made a commitment to their marriage.  The methodical way of an abuser slowly tears down her defenses of resistance.  At the same time, she knows this is not right, but somehow she knows she just can’t leave—that would make things worse.  Instead, she builds a wall of defense and protection to what is in her that is still hers—her dignity, her honor, her soul.  Leaving is sometimes not an option.  For me, I was told I could go, but if I did, I would never see my child again.  Whether this would have truly been the outcome or not, I believed him.

I was always told, “You’re my wife.  You’re supposed to do what I tell you to do.”  Well, well, well.  Hmph.  There is a scripture in Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  That’s a two-way street.  It goes for men as well as women.  All too often, the woman is expected to submit to her husband. And yes, she should, unto Christ.  Unto Salvation.  Unto Righteousness.  Not unto selfishness that is destructive—even from your husband.  I was raised, God hates divorce.  You should simply not divorce—work it out.  This is not always possible.  This is not always healthy.  This is not always safe.  Hear my heart—I am not an advocate for divorce.  But, I believe God loves us and expects us to do things in order—all of us.  When disorder and chaos abound, he does give you forgiveness for leaving.  We need to understand God does not expect us to stay and be a whipping post for someone who does not love him or care for us.

What took me years to understand is how I could have married someone like this—especially, having been raised in a well-adjusted home with loving parents and a great extended family.  As I continued in recovery, I learned that the stage for this was set long ago.  It started in that first act of sexual abuse when I was three years old.  It set me up for insecurities that would lie dormant until such a time the enemy would come in like the snake that he is to destroy who I was so I would become crippled in my ability to be who God says I am and to accomplish God’s plan and purpose in my life.

Getting to the root of any issue is absolutely key in getting rid of strongholds, hang-ups, incorrect thinking and behavior patterns.  It was devastating to me to learn the “rest of the story” regarding our situation.  My act of disobedience of marrying this man who I knew was not equally yoked to me, opened the door for my daughter to suffer at the hands of her father.  Was I responsible for her demise?  No.  He was in fact the sole beneficiary of occupancy of the acts of injustice against her.  However, I received a real education about how my lack of being whole before I married allowed open doors for evil to all too readily come against her—and me.

There is a scripture in Exodus 20:5-6 that says, “I am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.”  What exactly does this mean?

In short, it means whatever the sins of the parents are, whether sins of commission or omission, lay the groundwork for the children to follow in suit.  Sources say, if a parent is an alcoholic, the chances of the kids becoming alcoholics are three to four times greater than their peers.  The same is true for kids who have had abusive parents.  Without proper intervention and healing, they are at a greater risk of becoming abusive themselves or marrying someone who is abusive towards them.  They can say they will not let it happen to them, but when they are in the midst of it, they find it is really not that simple.  This was indeed the case for my daughter.

Before I divorced, I asked God specifically what was wrong with my family.  God is very much interested in every part of your life and most assuredly wants to be an active part of making you whole.  So, he told me.  He showed me how the line of dysfunction went about four generations deep, as far as I could calculate.  What I did not understand and was powerless to change for us until much later was understanding just what God means when he says he will show love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.  This is key.  Love God with all your heart.  Keep his commandments.  One of his commandments is love they neighbor as thyself.  Be kind.  Love one another.  Get this—love does not beat you down by someone who says they you love, whether physically, mentally, emotionally or verbally or even financially.  That is not love.

The other key factor in recovering into wholeness is understanding how powerful our words are and how God’s spoken word is taken by God’s angels and immediately knocks down the attacks of the enemy who is the constant menace of our minds which is directly related to our behaviors and our emotions.  There are so many people who struggle and some outright refuse to believe this, but just as we all have a guardian angel who is assigned to watch over and protect us, there are also demons who are assigned to our destruction.  Where they can be stopped is through prayer and words of affirmation—not words of destruction.

When I was divorced, I was so broken I didn’t know who I was anymore.  I stood in front of a mirror so my eyes could see my mouth say the words my ears heard so it could get into my heart so I could be made whole.  I would say, “You’re not worthless.  You’re not a pacifist.  You’re not ugly.  You’re not a waste of time.  You’re not stupid.  God loves you.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made.  You are the apple of God’s eye.  You are the center of God’s heart.  You are God’s beloved and his heartbeat.”  I did this for months so I could finally hear something good about myself instead of the continuous onslaught of insults that were so often hurled at me.  The incredible thing is—it worked.  It was after this, I was finally able to trust God just enough to allow him to start loving me.  And yes, his love is like a banner that will completely cover you and saturate you into wholeness.

I’ve fought many battles deep into the night—for myself and for others.  It has become a part of who I am as an intercessory prayer warrior.  Here’s where we must come together and bring awareness to how powerful loving others and building each other up with our words and prayer really is.  What so many people do not understand is who we are in Christ.  We have been given the authority that Christ had on this earth.  We have the authority to call things that are not as though they are.  We have the authority with our prayers to pull down the lies told about us and others.  It’s amazing to see those devils scatter when God’s word is invoked against them.  At the risk of sounding ridiculous, they are indeed real.  But God is greater and his power and love is so much stronger.

Is there life after divorce?  Absolutely.  Through Christ into wholeness.  Is there life after abuse?  Yes. Absolutely.  Through Christ’s love making us whole.  So, what about the little girl who never had a chance to be a little girl who was thrust into one destructive relationship into another?  How does she become whole again?  Only when she allows a loving father, ABBA father, to lavish her with pure love will she once again have her hopes and dreams restored.  The truth is, most people are very well aware something is wrong.  Most people are simply at a loss as to how to be relieved from it.  Some recover swiftly. Others do not.  There is no discernable time table.  However, there will not be full recovery unless we understand, accept and receive who God says we are and allow him to love us.  That’s where it must start.  Then, allow God to finish the work he started in us.

About every two minutes an American is sexually assaulted. Every eight minutes, that victim is a child.  On average, there are 321,500 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States.

So many times, the victim is treated like the perpetrator.  So sad.  At the same time, to treat them as if they are broken will not facilitate their healing.  The pain is real.  The devastation is real.  The devil is real.  God is greater.  This is why I say, never assume you know what someone has gone through, especially if you won’t take the time to talk to them to find out.  But even so, we can all be prepared to help in a person’s recovery by being armed and ready to fight—through prayer and speaking positive words of encouragement.  Love one another.  Be kind.  That’s my message.  I hope this helps someone along the way know there are those out there who understands how precious you are to God and how sexual abuse is not your fault.  And no, God didn’t allow this to happen to punish you for something you did or didn’t do.  It is an act of evil.  Period.

Live.  Love.  Never give up.  God has a plan for you, for good and not harm for a future with a hope.   Remember, God uses ordinary people, just like me and you.  Love Always.

Jesus Always Cares–The Story Behind The Song

(Originally Posted 1-2-2018)

When we’re young, people ask us, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  It seems so easy.  “I want to be a nurse, or a doctor, a policeman or fireman” are common responses.  Along with “I want to be Spiderman, or Superman,” or in my daughter’s case when she graduated from preschool said, “I want to be Belle” from Beauty and the Beast.  I especially loved her response.  She deeply desired to feel loved, cherished and adored.  We all do. For me, from the age of 9 I knew music was in me and somehow I always knew music would never leave me.  Some kids grow up and do exactly what they’ve always dreamed of doing.  Some don’t.  Some are still searching.  Little did we know the twists and turns on the journey to adulthood do not always leave us high on the mountaintop.  Sometimes the slips and falls forge a crevice so deep it makes the valley of defeat seem uncomplicated.

From the time I was very young, I always had my heart set on accomplishing great things, and no one told me I couldn’t achieve them. My parents, aunts, uncles, and even my grandparents always encouraged us to shoot for the stars.  “You can do anything if you set your mind to it” was commonly spoken to us. We were strategically disciplined and doing less than our best was unacceptable with consequences that were swift and sure.  Yet, something deep inside me kept nagging at me and made me feel as if I was not up to par.

The separation was hard.  It was especially difficult because I was made to prove my case for divorce.  There was a time when I was young, as the teacher asked our class questions I always raised my hand first in class, so excited I knew the correct answer. Something happened to me from the time I married until the time I divorced. I went from a person who was positive and could see the best in everyone to a person who was so broken I didn’t know who I was anymore. I couldn’t remember who I was before I married. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried—it had been at least two years. I wasn’t able to feel that emotion. I was surviving. Literally. I’m sure now I was held up by God’s own hand and not of my own. I know this, because there was no more strength within me.

Although I was very aware of the darkness we were living in, I found it very difficult to describe with clarity what it was like living with a man who literally sucked the life out of me.  We know our spouses, don’t we.  We know things about them no one else knows.  That’s true for any marriage.  I was not the type of person who aired my dirty laundry for the whole world to see.  I was very accomplished in keeping “dark little secrets.”  However, my survival would require me to disclose those things once hidden in darkness and the light was calling them into accountability once and for all. I knew God was with me and for all those who once called me “friend” this divorce would clearly draw the lines of truth, lies and the measure of a person’s heart.  Those who once appreciated me, were now vehemently against me.  What changed?  I couldn’t grasp this complexity and wondered for a long time.  I was still the same person.  The shift came when truth had its say and truth was a voice to be reckoned with. I understood little at that time of the vastness of God’s sovereignty and how not one moment in time escapes his grasp.

Even so, I protected him, and in essence, I protected his family too.  There were things that happened during our marriage that were so dreadful, so despicable and I could, in advance, feel the weight of souls who would never be able to come to terms with that reality. So, I said nothing. Only we know that truth. But we know it.  Besides, I didn’t want to destroy him.  I just wanted out.  I wanted peace.  I was so nervous. I prayed and fasted that God would show himself faithful in this on my behalf.  Indeed, God was there and his glory shown brightly in the courtroom that day.  After only 2-1/2 hours, I was granted a full divorce based on his ill-conduct and awarded full custody of our daughter.  Surreal.  Numb.  Break.  Silence.  Reserved. There is a supernatural break with divorce and the rippling effects can last generations to come if we do not allow God to make us whole. The aftereffects of the divorce were harder to some degree than living amidst the silence of suffering.  Now, it was out in the open and there were many views being voiced, many schemes, plots, plans and devices connived and schemed against us. But God…

Now that the divorce was final, we had to settle the property.  God had indeed blessed us with many things—enough furnishings to fill two households.  We bought the property from his uncle.  We had the house placed on concrete piers we had poured so it set on a firm foundation, and we had cinderblocks under-skirting the house.  Unless a person knew, anyone who looked at our home could not tell it was a doublewide manufactured home.  Here in lies the quandary.  The house was in my name. The dirt was in our name.  I considered leaving the house, but I was told I could not require him to refinance the house and put it into his name.  I was told I should fight for it, especially having a child.  But, again, the dirt had been in his family for years.  I looked at every angle, but I knew from the beginning, I wasn’t even going to try to take the land.  My life here was over and God was more than able to give me a clean, fresh start.  So, I decided I would move the house, and the above ground pool and the deck that surrounded the pool.  No sweat.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Yes.  My faith was strong.

I was given exactly one month, only 30 days, to move all that which was mine off the property and was warned I had better not destroy the property in the process of doing so.  If I was not able to accomplish this almost impossible task, I would lose the house and everything left on the property.  Now, I must interject here.  I thought I was being extraordinarily gracious by not even trying to maintain ownership of the land. And I was.  To a fault.  Lesson #infinity, not all hearts come to terms to grace and release as quickly as others. It became just another vivid display of his controlling, arrogant nature abounding in the light of day, for all to see.  And what made him smirk with elation even more so, it was legal.  He had become drunk with pride.  Even so, I was determined I would not be defeated!

I called in every friend I had to help.  The task was enormous but not impossible. First, we had to release the house to be moved.  With two sledge hammers, a dear friend of mine and I began busting up the cinderblocks at the base of the house.  We pounded away and to my surprise, this wall was crumbling faster than I had anticipated. Nevertheless, after about two hours, I felt like it was me being beaten with the sledge hammer, and not the cinderblocks.  What was I thinking??  Had the longings of my soul for freedom taken me completely out of my right mind?  Did my desire to walk undefeated outweigh my sense of common sense and drive me into the land of stupidity??  Perhaps, all of the above.  Oh my.  I was so tired I could hardly walk. My legs felt like they were carrying the weight of an elephant. I’m so glad my friend was a strong man. With my endless apologies, even though it took him the better part of the day, he was able to complete the job without my help. Now…the rest of the story.

I woke up the next morning and I declared with distinct certainty I had found every muscle in my body—even every strand of muscle tissue that was hidden from touch or imaging capabilities.  I was sure I would never recover.  Jesus!  It was all I could say.  I was down for four days.  And…the clock was ticking.

I devised a precise day-by-day, step-by-step plan to remove all that was mine—on time.  I lined up the helpers and secured the transport truck that would move the house. Now that the cinderblocks were loosed, we began work dismantling the deck around the swimming pool—an 18’ x 36’ above ground pool, with decking along three sides of the pool. The first attack on my hands came when I found out just how heavy a sand filter is after it slipped off its base while I was trying to remove it from the pool.  I was forthright in my assertion that my hands were to bring God glory.  In retrospect, I guess all of this might sound like an oxymoronic statement considering all the work my hands were actually doing.  But, I was determined. After all, I was always taught a little hard work never hurt anyone.  Yep!

Things were clicking along and finally everything was falling into place. There were 12’ 4 x 4’s along the outside of the pool on three sides.  I had them placed there so we could eventually put a cover on it to block some of the sun.  Being of Irish decent, my fair skin beamed brightly after a few minutes in the sun. I enlisted the help of my mother and my sister to take down the 12’ beams.  There is truth in the saying, “Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.”  With the brute force of three healthy women who, with unparalleled determination for victory, one by one, down came those beams. It was an added blessing that the ground had softened from rain. At this point, dismantling the pool, in fact, was a snap, comparatively speaking.

Finally, we were down to the last week.  A couple from my church who had become very good friends of mine, brought their dump truck and we proceeded to pick up all the busted pieces of cinderblock to clear the way for the house to be moved. While I was picking up the pieces of cinderblock, the Lord spoke to me. He reminded me of the day I was swinging that sledge hammer and how exhausted and sore I became after doing so.  Then he showed me the scattered debris of all the pieces (big, small and splinters) of cinderblock laying all over the ground and the painstaking work it was to pick them all up.  His words to me were profound.  “With great destructive force, your life isn’t the same. Wouldn’t it be easier to let me pick up the broken pieces of your life and put everything back together for you rather than you trying to do it yourself?”  I knew God was right.  As I looked at all the broken pieces of cinderblock laying around, I knew my life had been broken into a million pieces.  I knew I would never be the same. Furthermore, I was at a loss of how to start the process of recovery.

This all happened in the month of October.  It was the rainy season for us and we were down to the last five days before the 30-day deadline.  The rain poured for three days. I pleaded with my attorney to appeal on my behalf for more time, as there was so much rain, the transport truck said they wouldn’t move the house until the rain stopped and the ground dried out some for fear of getting stuck in the front of the property.

I was betwixed and between.  I had come too far to quit now.  I was so exhausted I could hardly think straight.  Had I worked so hard and accomplished so much just to lose everything now?  Everything was ready and in place on my new property to receive my house.  Surely this was not happening!  But God…

God led me to the book of Joshua.  I felt as if I had been like Joshua, charged with leading me and my daughter out of captivity and into the promised land. We were facing our Jericho.  In the downpour of rain, I took anointed oil and walked the perimeter of the land and prayed that the rain would stop and that the ground would not soak up so much water the house could not be moved. I did this seven times as instructed by the Holy Spirit.  To my utter astonishment, the rain started easing up and by nightfall, it had stopped raining! Talk about seeing the glory of God!  I felt his strength rise up within me that could conquer any obstacle.  I called the transport truck company and to my relief, they said they would send a man the next day to look at the property and let me know if he thought they would be able to move the house.  Yes.  God did it. They determined the ground was hard enough they would come the next day and move the house.  Amazing.  God of Infinite Power and Glory!

The house was moved with two days to spare.  We made it to the promised land.  We were free at last.  And at the same time…we had only just begun.  Never before in my life had I seen and realized just how personal, caring and powerful God really is.  He tells us we are engraved on the palm of his hand and oh, how he rescues us out of every pit!  I’ve been asked many times, how can a God who is so loving, allow so many bad things to happen to people? I can honestly say, I cannot with completeness answer that question. I do know, God is love.  God does not want bad things to happen to us. God does not cause bad things happen to people.  God gives us a will and freedom to choose, and as long as there is evil in this world, sadly, bad things will happen to people. Most assuredly, God will always be there for you to pick up those pieces and make your life whole once again, if you will let him.

The lesson God taught me that day with the broken pieces of cinderblock built the foundation of the song Picking Up The Pieces, with the rest of the song being written based on my son’s struggles.

One of the greatest lessons I learned was through the process of moving my house.  In retrospect, and hindsight always being 20/20, I should have walked away from everything and let God deal with the aftermath of the destructive ploys against us in the way God does best.  Had I allowed God to move me and my daughter into a life completely new and sever any attachment to the past, no matter how hard the labor to obtain what we acquired, our journey would have taken a much different direction. Even so, I proved to myself the strength and determination I once knew about myself was still there.  It was a monstrous undertaking, but God being God, we have become more than conquerors through Christ and have grown to walk in his wisdom as he has taught us to do.  Why?  Because that’s what God wants for us.  And, because that’s what I purposed in my heart to do.  Overcome.  Release.  Grow.  Abound in my calling and walking in my destiny whole in Jesus Christ. All in all, I always knew God would see us through.  I always knew that what I couldn’t achieve, God could and would do for me.  I never look to a person for what I hope to achieve. God is my source.  I am blessed he chooses to use someone like me.  God asks, “Who will go for me?”  I say, “I will go.  Send me.”

There is an old saying, “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”  Our life is only half complete when we try to do things on our own. When we strive to achieve our future on our terms and not through the guidance and strength of God, it is as Ecclesiastes says, vanity.  It’s all vanity.  God told me not too many years ago, “I am moved with compassion for my people.”  No matter what the journey we travel and the pitfalls along the way, Jesus Always Cares.

Prophecy 12-3-2017

(Originally Posted 12-16-2017)

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, of course we all do during this time and season of the year.  This has been really kind of a hard year for not just me, but for a lot of people with the storms, hurricanes, fires and all of the natural disasters and things going on in our nation. Just things in our lives. But we are in a season now where the Lord says its time for breakthrough.  It is time that we stand on what he had given us, the promises he has made to us.  There is a scripture that says enter his gates with thanksgiving, enter his courts with praise. Yesterday, when I was in my prayer time with the Lord, he showed me a vision that he gave me actually over a year ago, but he showed me windows of heaven and how they kind of look ajar, like you are looking through a lense that is out of focus and you are seeing double vision. Then all of a sudden I saw those windows yesterday line up.

When I was praying, the Lord reminded me of a movie. It’s called Facing the Giants and if you’ve never seen it, it is really worth watching.  It’s a movie about a down and out football team who have had several mediocre seasons and when the coach got serious and said, “Lord I give it all to you, I’m going to follow you.  Just tell me what you want me to do.  Then everything turned around and they started winning. They got to the very last game of the season, to everybody’s amazement made it all the way to the state final playoffs.  They are facing the team that his bigger and faster than they are and who has never lost a championship tournament. In the game, they are down to the last minutes of the game.  They are using a backup kicker because their kicker got injured in one of the plays, so they called in this backup kicker into the game.  Of course, he is shaken and scared to death because he has never played football before.  This is his first season of football—he has been a soccer player, never before a football player. So they are down to the last few seconds of the game and the game is tied and they have to have a field goal in order to win it—a 51-yard field goal.  This backup kicker said, “Coach, I just don’t think I can do it. I’ve never kicked anymore longer than a 39-yard field goal.  This is too much.  I can’t do it.  The coach took him aside and he said, “Look. I need you to give me your best. Do you think God can do it?” The kicker said, “Yeah, if he wants to.” So, they set up the play and this boy noticed his dad was standing in the end zone standing and lifting his hands up as an encouragement for him. Up this point, the wind was against them.  When the kicker was on the field, he whispered a prayer to God and said, “God help me make this kick.” The minute prayed that to God, God caused the winds to change. The winds shifted and now the wind was at his back. So, the coach was yelling out to him, “Kick it now! Kick it now!” That boy kicked that ball and low and behold, it went through the end zone and through the field goal and they won the game, which was a miracle to everybody in that town.

That is exactly what I heard the Lord saying in this season for us, for his children, “Do it now!  Do it now!”  We are in a season of breakthrough.  We are in a season where we need to stand up and rise up and walk in confidence that we have the victory and all of those things God has promised to us.  Step on the doubt! Put those doubts under our feet and go forth in this new season, in this new year.  We do not have to take defeat.  We are in a season now where God says the winds have changed and have shifted, and things have lined up in the heavens.  Declare and decree what this season will bring for you, for your family, your community and your nation.

God is doing it.  We’ve seen God move.  He is shaking some things down right now. He is not finished.  He is just getting started and this is going to be our brightest hour.  I just want to leave this word with you to just encourage you.  These are the things the Lord has been saying to me and showing me.

Here’s To Good Health! Chapter Two, Part Two

(Originally Posted 12-13-2017)

Ten years after I was first diagnosed with RA, everything shifted again.  The RA came back with a vengeance. This time, three fingers, not just one became swollen and pain was extending into my wrists. My hips and knees hurt so bad, climbing the stairs in my apartment became a chore. My hands became so weak, I could barely turn a door knob and I learned to carry grocery bags hanging on my arms instead of in my hands. Getting up in the morning was slow. Once I got up and around, it seemed to ease, but those first moments were tough. I couldn’t lift my legs to the side more than 30 percent and I was in constant pain. I was eating over the counter NSAIDs like they were candy. It got so bad at one point, I ended up in the emergency room because I could not open or close my hands. They were frozen in a relaxed curve position. They couldn’t find anything wrong with the structure of my hands and gave no real answers. I was given pain meds and told to see my doctor.  I couldn’t process it and I was scared.

I had prayed. I had fasted. I had enlisted every prayer warrior I knew and anyone who would pick up a phone through prayer ministries. I trusted God. I moved when he said move. I studied every day to show myself approved. I spoke healing into myself daily. I was sowing seed.  I had changed. According to what I understood of scripture, I was doing it. So many questions. With every level of understanding came even more endless questions and lack of understanding. Why???  And with no family history.  Why???

I went to a naturopathic doctor.  In his most valiant attempt to help me, I was placed on methotrexate, in addition to supplements that were deemed necessary to bring my body into balance. What happened next sent me spirally into depression. My hair started falling out. Every time I combed it. Every time I washed it. Hair fell out by the handfuls. I was ready to go off the grid.  I know, I know.  Bald is beautiful and some people pull it off just fine. I was not one of those people. A woman’s hair is her crown and I demanded mine be given back to me. On top of that, all the tests results showed I was malnourished and deficient in many vital nutrients my body needed to heal and be healthy—my body was not absorbing the extra supplementation I was taking.  Trips to the doctors and question after question brought no discernable breakthroughs. Was I really willing to risk my health for the sake of hair??  My heart sank and I stayed in the throne room seeking answers and cure. I was more than overwhelmed.

I looked into wigs, hair toppers and clip-on extensions and gained a real education regarding the world of hair, but everything I looked into didn’t look natural to me—it wasn’t my hair. Through friends, I was referred to an angel who told me about natural hair extensions.  I took a deep breath and took the plunge. After about five hours, and a lot of pain, she was done. I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe my eyes.  I had hair—full, thick hair. I also had a lot of metal brads all over my head that hurt like heck, but I had hair! Joyful jubilation does not describe how I felt. I was told I could keep them about six months and then I would have to have them taken out. The hope was that my hair would grow back during this time and no one would be the wiser.

Zeal. That’s what I needed.  Zeal in my life. I’m not talking about the need of passion for living, I’m talking about a powder you mix with your favorite drink. It provides all your daily vitamins plus loaded with antioxidants and is absorbed in your body 100 percent. The best part—it is made from all whole foods. No chemicals. The Lord told me, “Do it.” I quickly responded to the Lord with, “No. I don’t want to do it.” I was working on the last year of school of ministry, the ordination level, and I walked through my living room explaining to the Lord how I realized how long it took for me to get to this point and I wasn’t going to allow anything to hinder my accomplishing this that he had called me to do. Besides, I had been in other self-employment marketing adventures and I knew how much work was involved in making it work, and I simply didn’t have much extra time. So, I stood on my “No,” being sure I was making the right choice.  Sigh…

The Lord didn’t give up. He said, “Try it.” So, I ordered a month’s supply. Wow. It actually tasted good. For the first time in almost two years, I could actually get through my day without feeling like I would fall out. So, I did it. You know, the thing the Lord told me to do when he said “Do it.” I signed up.

A few months later, right after I finished the school of ministry, I awoke to an amazing discovery. I was able to get out of bed with ease of movement. I could stand up without having to push myself out of bed. I was walking around without pain. I had begun to open doors without any hindrance and just to make sure I was actually experiencing the miracle my mind wanted so desperately to believe, I lay down on the floor on my side and started to do leg lifts. I could actually do it. I was finally able to lift my legs with full range of motion. I began dancing before the Lord. I had indeed experienced a miracle and I wanted the world to know just how much zeal this Zeal gave me. I was also finally able to shed a few extra pounds that had accumulated due to my inability to exercise. Prior to this, my body would not absorb most of what I had tried in order to obtain good health. But my body absorbed the Zeal and with amazing results. I’m so glad I listened to the Lord and “did it.”

Then the Lord spoke to me again and told me leave the course of treatment I was on and go to a different doctor, a rheumatologist, who came highly recommended. I stayed on the methotrexate for a little while longer, while some of the other medications were discontinued. My hair was still not growing. Then, there was another shift.  My hands and knees started aching again. The methotrexate wasn’t working.  But, this time I knew I was where I needed to be. My doctor recommended Humira. As it was presented to me, it would not only stop the progression, it was showing evidence of reversing the disease process.  But, it was yet another very strong immunosuppressant. So many variables. So many unknowns, but I was ready to try.

Gradually, I could tell a major difference in my symptoms. The flareups had slowed greatly. The more I talked with this doctor, the more he confirmed what my journey of discovery had revealed to me. He confirmed medical science had proven celiac disease can cause RA. I told him I had been on a strict gluten free diet for about five years at that point. (For those who are sensitive, gluten becomes undigestable and causes an erosion in the lining of the gut. After some time, this can lead to what is called leaky gut. When this happens, the body does not absorb nutrients and the doors are wide open for disease process.)  I was sure I was on my way to the cure. I was able to discuss each symptom with him and he didn’t brush it off or make me feel as if I was unable to grasp the vastness of the disease process or the necessity for compliance with the proper treatment suggestions.  After two years of struggling, the lab tests were coming back with better values and my hair actually started growing back some. It is not yet fully restored, but at least now I don’t have to wear extensions to look like I have a full covering of hair.

There was still one thing I had not fully grasped. Why did the knuckles on my hands become inflamed every time I ate something with moderate carbs or every time I ate a few nuts?? Every. Time.

The search continued. I had tweaked my diet to mostly vegan, only some meat occasionally, and vegetables. I had even stopped eating bread for the most part and if I indulged in a “treat” I made sure it was sugar free and gluten free.  Okay, I’d be lying if I said I never ate anything with sugar, but it was rare.  Then it happened. Everything seemed to fall in line with clarity and understanding.

I ate one fruit juice gummy bear. I do mean only one. Not two or three, just one single yummy gummy. Immediately, my wrists and the palm of my right hand began to itch. Too incredible for words. This also happened when I drank my organic whole foods vegan protein powder with rice protein base. Something was very wrong. “What’s going on now, Lord?” I knew I had developed a wheat allergy due to the instant swelling of my tongue, tingling in my lips and nasal congestion. Had I now become allergic to everything I eat??  I was not a happy camper and being on this rollercoaster was making my heart sick.

I did what I learned to do. I began to fast and pray. I had to get to the bottom of what was going on. No matter the questions I asked or the research I was doing, I was not coming to the end of this.

The Lord, so lovingly, reminded me of the years that have gone by and how he told me not to eat corn, white starches, wheat, sugar and with precise clarity told me not to eat more than the equivalent of two pieces of fruit in sugar containing foods on a daily basis, or roughly 50 grams of carbohydrates. Any more than this on a regular basis would not be healthy for me. These all represent carbohydrates. All of which cause inflammation in the body. The Lord then led me to look back through my medical records. I finally found it. I had allergy testing done about 15 years earlier and low and behold, it showed I was highly allergic to candida. Candida. Of all things, candida. I didn’t even know what candida was until a few years ago. Carbohydrates feed the gut fungus called candida. Wow.

Basically, my body is allergic to the effects of every sugar-causing food known to mankind. Really?? Is my body just “made” that way or is it a breakdown in my immune system? Obedience is better than sacrifice.  Case and point.

Thank you, Lord. Yep.

Autoimmune disease. A compromised immune system. I reasoned, with over 70 percent of our immune system in our gut, there has to be a connection with autoimmune diseases and gut health. The vastness of medical science and God’s knowledge and wisdom is inexhaustible. Thank God for advancements in medical science.  I thank God more because of his great love for his children. I thank God even more because of the intimate way he is so personal with each of us—if we are willing to listen to him.  Scripture says, “Know that wisdom is for your life and soul; if you find wisdom, then there will be a future and a reward, and your hope and your expectation will not be cut off.” Proverbs 24:14 (AMP).  Everything is possible for those willing to believe.

I think back so long ago when I was first diagnosed. I still refuse to accept a life sentence of debilitation.  My journey of discovery with knowledge and understanding will continue until the day I am face to face with my God in heaven. But this I know, no matter what twist or turn may come to me or try to come against me, I know I will never travel the road alone. My God, my father, my confidant, my savior, my redeemer, my healer, my peace, my joy and my righteousness will never leave me or forsake me, even until the end of the age. As long as there is breath in my body, I will serve the Lord. I will go where he tells me to go, when he tells me to go, and to the best of my ability and with great humility serve those to whom he leads me.

Be alert. Be aware. Never give in. Never give up. I’m learning that trust does not always mean we will have a clear explanation given to us.  That really wouldn’t be trust, would it?  God is my creator, and he knows me best, every cell in my body—best.  I will follow him.  He is indeed the light and the life in me.
My prayer is that you glean hope from my story. Hope in that God is not distant.  God is not complacent. God is not sitting up in heaven waiting for just the right moment to whack you upside the head with his scepter of justice for every little mistake you make. God does heal us. Sometimes, it is miraculous. Sometimes, it is a process. Either way, God has made provision for us at each pass, connection and interchange. Through it all, God is good. There will come a day of reckoning. I choose to take up arms and take back what has been stolen from me and do so on behalf of others as well. I choose to hold on to God’s promises for us. I choose to see myself as God sees me, and that is healed of the Lord.  I choose to hope and never give up.

May God bless you on your journey.

Here’s To Good Health! Chapter Two, Part One

(Originally Posted 12-13-2017)

Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA).  Autoimmune disease.  After hours and hours of research over the years, I think I’m only a little closer to understanding autoimmune diseases.  An autoimmune disease occurs when something goes wrong in a person’s body and the immune system get its wires crossed and attacks the person’s good cells, thinking they are bad cells.  For those who may not know, there is no known cure for an autoimmune disease, and no one knows how it comes to exist. At best, it’s a rollercoaster ride of shifts and uncertainties that can leave a person wondering “What’s next?”  There are many autoimmune diseases known today.  In my case, “it” (the RA) attacks my joints, mainly in my hands and some in my knees.  How do I cope?  I’ll start at the beginning.

“It” first came to visit in April of 2004. I woke up one day and found the index finger on my right hand swollen almost double, like a link of sausage. Curious to say the least. I was working at a medical clinic at the time and after a simple blood test, off to a rheumatologist I go. I refused to accept it. I was in a state of denial and I never called it by its name. After a very painful injection and very strong medications, I was set up on quarterly monitoring. And that was it. I was given no hope of a cure.  Only treatment in an effort to keep it from advancing and according to my medical records, my identity took on a “new look.”

I kept telling myself, “This can’t be right. Why would God give me the gift of music through my hands and then just take them away?” I searched the Lord deeply for answers and understanding. Eventually, I learned that there is a real spiritual connection to sickness and disease and I didn’t have to accept this disease in my body. But…what was it that caused this “thing” to happen to me?  What did I do? What did I not do? Stress is a major contributing factor to the breakdown of good health. Okay.  I get it.  I went through a lot during the marriage and even afterwards. Get rid of the stress.  Yeah. Finding that peace that passed all understanding is not always as easy as saying you walk in peace. It turns out, it has to become a mindset in order to achieve it. At any moment, “things” can happen to get a person stirred up.  Peace comes from knowing we do not have to overcome it on our own.

At any rate, I began the process of learning how to rest in the Lord. The Lord said to me, “I have healed you.” I must admit, I grabbed hold of that word for dear life and fully expected to wake up the next morning and it would be gone! After all, I had heard testimony after testimony of how God miraculously healed others, and God does not show favoritism. Right??  Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for me.  Not that way.

I sought answers through health forums on the Internet.  Information overload does not adequately describe the information floating through the digital world. I finally found a small group who didn’t discuss far-fetched notions but talked in simple to understand terms. “God made our body to heal itself” was the common theme. When what’s in the world attacks, God has made provision for healing and overcoming it.  Knowledge is power and I was feeling very strong about now. Quite honestly, my diet was terrible.  Oh, and by the way, did I tell you I used to smoke? Yep.  That was me. Like a freight train. I was finally able to walk away from them over eight years ago at the time of this writing.  That was hard. Nicorette worked like a champ. Looking back, I don’t know how I was able to breathe before! It is true what they say, once you quit, you can’t stand the smell of it. Choking. So grateful to God and for those who prayed me through that journey to becoming smoke-free.

Whole foods.  Eating the way Jesus ate when he walked on this earth.  In fact, a woman I talked with on the on-line health forum lived by the rule of “If I can’t eat it, it doesn’t go on or in my body.” It sounded magnificent and overwhelming to me. I understood a good, healthy diet. I understood processed foods have had the life processed right out of them. But then came the flood of information about mycotoxins, starchy foods, carbs, good sugar, bad sugar and then the toxicity of gluten. The learning curve was definitely increasing.  It seemed simple enough to understand. Bad stuff goes in, bad stuff begins to happen.

The years went by and “it” (the RA) seemed to have disappeared. I had started walking and at one point was walking three miles a day. After about a year, in addition to eating well and no longer smoking, I managed to lose over 100 pounds. I was literally transformed into a new person. I felt better than I had felt in 20 years.  I was thrilled!  The doctors were wrong, I reasoned within myself. It was a false-positive. The Lord had indeed healed me! Now, on to living life to the fullest!

(To Be Continued)

Here’s To Good Health! Chapter One

(Originally Posted 12-12-2017)

We tend to take so much for granted.  Don’t we?  When we’re young, we give little thought to what our health will become after time goes by.  Youth usually grants us the privilege of freedom of movement, adequate lung capacity, and a strong, regular heartbeat. Seldom do we stop to think we might wake up one day and find everything has changed.  What we once thought would last forever—at least until we are well on in our golden years, suddenly proves to be a force to be reckoned with. What went wrong?  How did this happen?  Why?  These are questions we ask, with usually no real answers to satisfy the long rocky road one now faces. My journey to earnestly seeking good health started about 20 years ago.

My daughter and I were adjusting to our new lives unmarried. I was growing in my walk with the Lord and loving our new home with almost 7 acres of undeveloped land. I felt as if it were heaven on earth. At least for the moment.

I loved working on the land. The land was covered with large, tall pine trees and some hardwood. I tried to sell the 20 tall pine trees to make a little extra money of the land. I called a man who came highly recommended who used a horse-drawn wagon so as not to tear up the land while cutting down and removing the trees.  My contentment was short-lived after being given $5.68 for one tree. I was told the price for trees just wasn’t very high. (I was previously told a tree of that size would sell for about $100.00 a tree for the lumber, after the cost of removal).  Oh. No. Uh Uh. Not me. Not on my watch.

Hmmm…well…I guess you could say I got a little twisted and decided I wasn’t going to stand for profiteering on my land. I decided I’d cut down the trees and burn them myself before I let someone take advantage of me like this. I hired a teenage boy to cut down the unwanted trees and I used a chainsaw to cut the tree into manageable pieces. Then with a tractor and chain, I pulled them to a burn pile. I cut them up into smaller pieces and put them on the fire. This went on for a few weeks.  My daughter and I had a great time roasting hot dogs and marshmallows. Yum. Yum.  Hmph.

I loved working on the land. It was great therapy for me. I don’t think I’ve ever before appreciated my dad as much as I did during that time of my life for teaching me how to take care of the land I had been blessed with. Over the course of our first year there, I not only cleared the trees, cleared underbrush, I managed to underpin my doublewide and even built a small deck on the back side of the house (with a little help getting it squared up). Yep. I had a lot of anger issues to work on after the divorce, and the sledge hammer, drill and saw became my battering rams to the future with a hope I was striving to obtain.  My next project was to clear out a section in the back woods close to the back yard and make a prayer garden full of blooming flowers and a soft water fall.  In the meantime, I put in a large above ground swimming pool for our first summer on the property, with some pleasant side effects for my daughter.  My daughter soon found she was pretty popular in the neighborhood, as she was the only kid with a swimming pool and what kid doesn’t like to go swimming in the summertime? Life was looking better all the time.

Winter came and after working so hard, I had achieved fairly good physical condition. I even managed to lose a few unwanted pounds.  Since I didn’t want to lose momentum, I sought to start an inside work-out. My daughter was in gymnastics at the time and I bought her a thick, folding gymnastics mat. Our living room was long, so we moved the furniture to one side and began tumbling, cartwheels, jumping jacks and whatever else we could think to do within our new “gym.” We had a lot of fun. It was hardly noticeable we were actually “working out.” Then overnight, life as I knew it would never be the same.

I’ve always led a fairly active lifestyle, although I’ve never trained, or aspired to train as a serious athlete. Nevertheless, I stayed pretty mobile. I enjoyed stretching. It felt great and my body always let me know what needed to move to stay conditioned. Although I’ve never been one to study or explore the art of Yoga, I did love how some of the movements made my body feel—strong and agile. One day, I tried to do a stretch I had regularly done some years before. You lie on your back and lift your legs over your body, as if you are going to touch your head with your toes, only you curl your back and rest your feet on the floor above your head. It stretches almost every muscle in your body and opens up your spine, stretching and relaxing the muscles. Sadly, on this particular day, my body let me know it had been a little too long since I had regularly stretched in this manner and it put too much pressure on my neck. I felt a pop in my neck. There was no instant pain, only a little feeling of stiffness.

I woke up the next morning and I could hardly move. I couldn’t sit up.  I had to literally roll out of bed. Upon moving, I felt pain like I had never felt before. I couldn’t lift my left arm and the ring and pinky fingers on my right hand were numb with a lot of tingling going down my arm. What on earth happened?  I went to my chiropractor who did everything he could but nothing seemed to help. I had two slipped discs in my neck. The pain was excruciating. I couldn’t find relief with anything I tried.  I couldn’t sit—the pain got worse. Standing was difficult, although it was more bearable than sitting.  I couldn’t eat much—it was difficult to feed myself, which was actually okay to some extent, as I had lost my appetite.  When I went to bed, I had to lie flat of my back and I used a heating pad.  In this way, I was at least able to get a few hours of sleep.  The pain and discomfort went on for months. At one point, the muscle spasms got so bad I felt as if my chest wall was caving in. And Oh! How I hated taking medicine! I couldn’t stay doped up on pain meds because I had to drive and go to work, and at home, I had to be alert for my young daughter.  I tried every natural approach I could find and solicited every prayer warrior in the area.  We are told by the stripes of Jesus we are healed.  And yes, we are.  I did give in and graciously accepted the relief from the severe pain through mild pain medicines and muscle relaxers at night. Looking back, I wish I would have sought a neurosurgeon immediately.  God definitely sustained me on my sick bed.

After four months and continued treatment, my neck finally began to heal enough the pain was not so sharp and eventually I did regain feeling in my hands.  Good chiropractors are a God-send.  However, my life would never again be the same. I became unable to work on the land I so dearly loved.  I was careful with every step I took and prayed more earnestly than ever before that nothing would slip out of place again and praising God for my healing—without the need of surgery.

It seemed this was the beginning of another great era of life crumbling around me.  It was soon after this I became engaged to a man by whom I got pregnant.  And, you know the rest of that story.

Time went on and I learned to adjust to life not being quite so active.  I finally finished school and was looking forward to the bright future ahead of me.  A new job at a multi-specialty clinic with good salary and benefits, all the while doing what I trained to do in medical transcription, as well as doing what I love the most—serving as the church pianist and working with the worship pastor in the music department.

With no explanation and no warning, I woke up on a Sunday morning seven years after the accident that caused two slipped discs in my neck and once again, I could hardly move.  My left arm felt like I was swinging dead weight at my side.  My right arm was tingling with numbness in my fingers again. Flashbacks of seven years earlier flooded my memories.  I went to church and barely made it through the song service with the piano.

The next day, I was at my doctor’s office.  With one x-ray, she immediately set me up with an appointment with a top neurosurgeon and highly recommended by her.  Next stop—an MRI.  When the MRI was completed, the technician asked me, “What happened to your neck?”  I explained to her my story and she simply shook her head. I asked her to tell me what she saw, but of course, she was not allowed to do so.  So, I awaited my neurosurgeon’s appointment.

My doctor took me into the viewing room and showed me my neck on the MRI.  It looked as if there were two rubberbands wound tightly around my spinal cord in two places. In both places, I could see gross narrowing of my spinal cord.  He said, “It’s not good.” Ankylosing spondylosis is what it was called.  Basically, arthritis set up in two of the vertebrae and my spinal cord was severely impinged.  I know God is my healer.  I considered it a miracle I was walking.  I was scheduled for surgery, but it would be two months before there was an opening in his schedule.  Since he was rated one of the best, I trusted God and waited—with caution and an assortment of muscle relaxers and mild pain meds, I waited.

The year was 2004.  That year proved to be a challenging year to say the least.  Soon after neck surgery was scheduled, I developed another abnormal symptom.  The index finger on my right hand became swollen like a sausage. I could hardly bend my finger and it was difficult to type.  Yet, I was determined nothing else was going to go wrong with me.  Again, I saw my doctor, who immediately referred me to a rheumatologist.  Indeed, I was learning a great deal about disease processes and the human body, but perhaps I was in denial. Why did I need to see a rheumatologist??  One look at my finger and a couple of blood tests, and the doctor said, “You have rheumatoid arthritis (RA).”  I was only 40 years old.  I was in shock.  The only thing I knew about this disease is that a person with it would become crippled.  You can’t walk. You can’t use your hands.  You end up in a wheelchair for the rest of your life and I wasn’t going to have any part of it!  I immediately began declaring healing scriptures and let the devil know in short order that God gave me my hands to bring him glory playing the piano and I was going to continue to do just that. I would not give in to this! It wasn’t mine and I demanded it leave me.

I had what would be my first injection to my finger (very painful), after which I vowed I would get to the bottom of why this decided to invade my body.  I searched genetic reasons.  There is no family history of this disease in my family—as far back as four generations that I know of.  We might get some osteoarthritis when we get older but we do not have rheumatoid! In the meantime, I was placed on very strong medications that would diminish the effects of RA but would not provide a cure.  Plus, it could adversely affect your eyesight.  Ugh.  And on top of that, I would be having neck surgery in a matter of only a few weeks.  I was determined I was not giving in to any of this.

Finally, the day had come.  June 28, 2004.  Time for neck surgery.  They would replace the two vertebrae in my neck with cadaver bones and fuse them in place.  Thank God I would not become prey for a metal magnet!  Healing was slow and painful. At least I was able to go to my mother’s home to recover.  There, we had plenty of room for the kids to play and we were close to family for the help we needed.  The quietness of the country was what I needed to relax so my body could heal.

God is good and does not withhold good from us.  Even so, the choices we make leave a footprint on our lives and the lives of those around us.  I have since learned that in our best efforts, we can, by no real fault of our own, really miss the right way to go.  I was so fortunate.  I was so blessed and protected by God to not have suffered anything worse than I did.  I still exercise and stretch regularly. I still have to be cautious with my choice activities and use wisdom.  I refuse to give in to defeat, but I will always know God kept me, sustained me and healed me.  Now, I go forward using more guided wisdom.  God is truly, my best friend.

One down.  One to go.  Now…about the RA?  That’s a story that begins another chapter of my journey of grace, healing and recovery.

 

Pray Even When It Seems You’re Outnumbered

(Originally Posted 9-29-2017)

The Holy Spirit spoke to me so clearly today, “Pray, even when it seems like you’re out numbered.”

Could something so simple make a difference?

That word was so profound and so timely. He reminded me of the story of Jehoshaphat who was the king of Judah. He made unhealthy alliances, which was not God’s choice for him. He thought he was doing a good thing, but it turns out it wasn’t. He thought those alliances could help protect him from enemy attack, but he instead ended up going through great attacks from the enemy because of it.

Jehoshaphat turned away from this alliance and began once again to rely completely on God and trust him with the decisions and choices he made.

Sometime later, a vast army set out to attack the nation of Judah. Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah. The people of Judah came together to seek help from the Lord. Through a prophet, The Lord told Jehoshaphat, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but belongs to God.” Jehoshaphat was given further instructions to go out and face the enemy and that the Lord would be with him.

The next morning Jehoshaphat encouraged his people and said, “have faith in the Lord your God and you will be upheld; have faith in his prophets and you will be successful.” They began to sing praises to God. As they began to sing in praise, the Lord sent ambushes against the army and the army was defeated–all without Jehoshaphat or his army having to fight.

This is what the Lord is telling us all. Pray. Talk to God. Rely on him to give you the answers, directions you need. Don’t listen to the voice of doubt or fear. TRUST GOD that HIS WORD will do what He sends it to do–even if it seems like the enemy is gaining ground or if you don’t see the answer right away–and watch God defeat the enemy sent to attack you.

Don’t give up. Don’t give in. The devil is a liar and he’s working overtime on the minds of his people trying to steal your faith and trust in the Lord God Almighty, the one who is all powerful and able to turn things around for good for you!!!

Prophecy 9-11-2017–Wake Up!

(Originally Posted 9-17-2017)

On September 5, 2017, God gave me several dreams. In one of the dreams, there was a woman in a home praying. Outside her home there were two women walking back-and-forth in the yard with their Bibles open, praying. I met with a woman inside the home, and she spoke of being reminded of someone whose actions made her angry because their behaviors were insistent on being against God, and the injustices this was bringing against her and others. Then God showed me the date August 21.

Then God gave me an open vision, wherein there was much unrest in the spirit realm. I saw the activities of the spirit realm, the unseen world. I saw demons going from one group of people to the next, inciting riots and strife and discord among the people. Then I saw Satan, sitting and leaning forward looking back and forth to see what was going on in the world. I called him out and he lifted his foot as if to stomp on something. I rebuked him commanded him to leave, and the vision ended. I saw the date October 2.

God is moving for a great breakthrough and the enemy is working overtime causing destruction and chaos in the lives of people with ranting and ravings of lawlessness.

God is trying to get the attention of this nation and the nations around the world. God is bringing a great breakthrough, renewal and revival, and restoration of hopes, dreams, restored ministries, restored relationships, and fulfillment of God’s promises in our lives. Hear Him calling–Oh, how sweet the sound. Listen and seek God will he may still be found. Watch and pray always.

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope – – the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a People that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Titus 2:11-14.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith. 1 Peter 4:8, 9

Submit to God, resist the devil and he will leave. James 4:7.

And this gospel of the kingdom (of God) will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come. Matthew 24:14

August 21 was when the solar eclipse happened. September 20 begins Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. This also begins the Days of Awe, a period of introspection and repentance before God. September 30 is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, a day of fasting to cleanse one’s soul before God.

October 2 is three days before Sukkot, October 5, the fall Feast of the Tabernacles. The feast of Tabernacle’s is a feast for all people. It is unique in that the Gentile nations were invited to come to Jerusalem along with the Jewish people to worship The Lord at this “appointed time.” The Lord told Moses to father all men, women, and children along with the foreigners in their land, so they can learn to fear the Lord. (Deuteronomy31:12)

The number 2 is significant for difference or division. There is much division in the church, in this nation and in the nations around the world–division and separation from God. I believe it is significant God showed me October 2 in relation to the upcoming feasts that call out for joining together, humbling ourselves and worshipping God. God is calling for unity and peace among his people in the midst of our many differences, humbling ourselves before Him, our creator. God has sent His word time and time again, and even warning us that time as we know it will soon come to an end. He who has ears let him hear.

God wants to bless this land. God desires to bless his people. The Lord calls out to all men, “Seek me while I may still be found.”

We continue to pray for all humanity in the midst of all the storms, winds, waves, fires and earthquakes. May the love, kindness and help shown to people from around the world continue long after the restoration after the storms.

Love Always–The Story Behind The Song

(Originally Posted 9-17-2017)

There is a day in all our lives, after we’ve spent years being told what to do and when to do it, we want to live our lives that way WE want.  Sometimes, we grow into it gracefully.  Sometimes, it requires making a bold stand.  The latter was the case with my daughter–or so she thought.

The year was 2008.  My daughter was in her senior year of high school.  I was so proud of her. There was a time when she didn’t know if she would survive her struggles to make it this far. I never lost faith that she would indeed overcome the incredible odds set against her from years of abuse that led to self-abuse and a plethora of bad choices.

It was about 10:00 p.m. one cold night in early January, when came a knock on the door of my mother’s home (where we were living at the time and for whom I was caring for) by two deputy sheriff officers.  My first thought was of near panic to think what might be wrong and with whom. Those fears were quickly settled into sheer disbelief when it was announced that my daughter had brought her boyfriend, dad and dad’s girlfriend to collect her things.  She announced she was moving in with her dad.  With only four months left of high school before graduation.  Unbelievable.  On top of that, my mother was no less shaken by this impudent and downright rudely executed intrusion of her home.

As soon as I could finally collect myself, I asked my daughter.  “Why didn’t you just tell me you wanted to move out?  Why did you have to do this?”  Her answer was simple and short.  “Because you wouldn’t have let me.”  My response, “You’re 18.  I couldn’t have stopped you.”

Needless to say, that was a long night.  The next few days were a blur.  All I could think about was why?  And why now?  She was going to a place she said she never really wanted to go.  Was he promising her something she didn’t think I would or could give her?  So many questioned plagued my mind and my breaking heart. It took a couple of weeks before I could finally process enough to simply accept the fact, my baby girl wasn’t a baby anymore.  She was old enough to make her own decisions, and our relationship would never be the same. I must admit, that realization is what hurt the most. It seemed the tears wouldn’t stop.

Then time stood still. It was February 14th.  Valentine’s Day.  It was a day I always made special for my kids. A day I purposed in my heart to set apart to let them know they were loved, more deeply than I could possibly ever express, but I sure tried. And this year, my baby girl wasn’t with me to share it. I heart was aching deeply.  But God…

God always knows what we need and when we need him the most. I had so many concerns. I found myself wondering if I taught her enough, would she remember what she needed to get her through, or would she even care to remember those lessons, some of which came through many tears. Ugh. Even so, I knew that as much as I loved my daughter, God loved her more.

I had to stop and think about what love really means. I read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, and thought about each word. I realized that part of loving someone is being willing to let them go. I picked up my pen to write and the words began to flow. Before I knew it, I had written a poem. A long poem. Reading through it made me see life is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, but love is the force that keeps us moving forward.

That poem became a song a few years later, one of which is my favorites.  Oh…and here’s the rest of the story.

It turns out, my daughter (who had her own thoughts and ideals of what moving out would be like) called me one afternoon, after being away for only six weeks. She realized she was not where she really wanted to be and asked if she could come home. Could she come home?  My answer?  Well, needless to say, we may not always see eye to eye, but I made a promise to myself that my home would always be a place my kids could come home to.  My daughter graduated high school from her mother’s alma mater 10 weeks later. I love my family.

I had the honor of performing Love Always at a suicide awareness event organized, sponsored and hosted by my cousin and featuring Kay Warren.  We need to talk about suicide more “out loud.”  Suicide is preventable. With each of us making just a little bit of effort, we can turn this around. Let us love one another. But that’s a blog for another day.

God Never Forgets!

(Originally Posted 10-28-2017)

I love this:   God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. Hebrews 6:10

I woke up early this morning. I didn’t sleep much last night. The Lord continues to bring people to me that need prayer and encouragement.

I was going through my pictures recently. So many, many memories. From when I was growing up, to when I was raising my children. I came across certificates of achievements for work, college, school of ministry, even when I was in high school and achieved placement in the state band and choir competition, after which I was offered a band and vocal scholarship to two different universities.  It seemed every where I turned, doors were flying open for me with opportunities to go further than I could have imagined.

Sometimes, the choices can be overwhelming and we simply do the best we can when choosing what seems to be the best choice for us.  There is a future with a hope for us.  I realize there are times God seems to be the only one in agreement with this.  However, because he says it is so, and he cannot lie, it’s important we continue to persevere, push through the setbacks and disappointments, press on and not give up.

I remember when my daughter was in middle school and she wanted to be in band. She wanted to play the flute, and nothing else was acceptable to her.  The band director, on the other hand, encouraged her to play the clarinet. They needed more clarinet players, not flute players. My daughter seemed to struggle with mouth placement and the band director once again encouraged her to consider clarinet. I told her to never give up but stay focused and keep trying. She persevered and indeed, she developed the proper flute embouchure and was allowed to play the flute.  Hence forth, any time she struggled to achieve something difficult, I reminded her how she overcame before because she pushed through and persevered.

When my son was going into 8th grade, they started the school sponsored football teams.  My son had dreamed of playing football since he was seven years old.  However, in order to be considered for the team, he would have to successfully complete all his classes. Although he is a good student, he was in a class he would have rather not had to encounter—-and needless to say, he was beginning to see that his dream of playing football might not be realized. I encouraged him to focus on “the prize” of getting on the team, to which my son buckled down, and after a lot of hard work raised his grades.  The deciding moment came when his grades came in the mail.  He sat with anticipation.  As I read the report, I couldn’t contain myself and with excitement I said, “You passed.”  You could see the relief come over him.  During football practice, my son would do whatever the coach asked him to do, and he would do so with so much enthusiasm, the coach made my son one of the team captains–not because he was so gifted playing the sport, but because he had such a heart for the team and working hard to accomplish the goals. Even after all his hard work, we found my son simply could not coordinate his mind with his body to keep up with the movement of the plays.  Even with extra help from the coaches, it became obvious my son’s dream of playing football would not be realized.  My son was heartbroken. But in time, my son could see how, even so, God was faithful in helping my son get on the football team.

In looking back on my life, I realize God has been so good to me.  Even during the most tragic life events, God was still faithful. Through the good times when, without seemingly any effort from me, good things and good opportunities were coming to me in overtly blessed abundance, God was there with grace and mercy navigating me. During the most tragic events and difficult seasons, when choices were so overwhelming I could barely see the steps before me that I should walk in, God was there with his abounding loving kindness to carry me and say, “It’s okay. I got this.”

There were so many times I wondered if I would make it through. There were times that were so dark I couldn’t see any light of hope and wondered if I would ever be able to breath again. I’ve gone from having much to having almost nothing.  But God…  Through every season God always showed himself faithful.

Be encouraged. Even when life takes a sudden unexpected turn and it seems everything is unraveling around you, it does not take God by surprise.  Continue to love him, and in that love help his people. God’s got your back.  He’s working things out for you, even when you can’t see what he’s doing at the moment.

Blessings…