Learning to Let Go
Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5, 6.
It was early 2015. I was in a season of fasting with the upcoming election campaigns. The Lord began showing me many things through dreams and visions. All in all, God is sovereign and he does not delay in his return as some might think. His delay is so more people will be saved in the great harvest of souls that is soon coming. He is raising up a remnant to go forth and spread the gospel of his truth and love.
One early morning, about 3 a.m., I woke up and knew the Lord was there. I began praying in the spirit. I then lifted my hand to the heavens and started singing, “He leadeth me, He leadeth me, by his own hand He leadeth me. His faithful follower I would be, for by His hand, He leadeth me.” God was leading me on a new beginning, a new level and I purposed in my heart I would hold on to his hand and never let it go.
The Lord knows the end from the beginning. Isaiah 46:9, 10: “I am God, and there is no other, I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.”
God is still working. One step at a time. He often reminds me of the time when my daughter had married her first husband. It was February 2009. It was as if the marriage was doomed before it began. He asked me for her hand in marriage. I said, “Not now. Not yet. I don’t believe either of you are ready.” With the first major “mama had to put her foot down” after him asking for her hand in marriage, her with her stubbornness and him with his arrogance, they decided overnight to get married at the Justice of Peace.
Isaiah tells us God will make the crooked places straight and the rough places smooth. Well, this never quite manifested in their marriage. Their first major knock down drag out happened on their honeymoon…..and thereafter every week for roughly three months. Every week, I got a phone call. Every week. One time, he brought her home with her stuff and dropped her off with me and said, “I’m done.” To say it was tumultuous was putting it mildly.
Then Easter came. I was one of the keyboard players at our church in Arkadelphia, AR. During Holy Week, we gathered at a different church during the lunch hour to worship God and celebrate new life in Christ through the power of the resurrection from the grave. I was completely worn out. I was so stressed, I couldn’t even speak about what was going on. I felt as if I would have a breakdown. I must have looked completely spent, because my pastor said he was very concerned about me.
I went home that day and sat on the back deck of my mother’s house. I cried out to the Lord, admitting I had made many mistakes with my daughter and confessed my sins. I then admitted to God I simply couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stand seeing what was happening to her but she wouldn’t leave him. I was so exhausted from constantly being pulled into their situation I was struggling to give my son the attention he needed. I told God I was letting her go. She was grown. I still loved her completely but she had to make her own decisions now and by those decisions she would have to live. I knew I would always be there for her but I simply couldn’t handle being tossed back and forth emotionally and mentally.
At that every moment, the Lord spoke to me in an audible voice. He said, “You will have all the desires of your heart. You will have all your hopes and dreams.”
Yes, scripture in Psalm 37:4 tells us when we delight ourselves in the Lord, he will give us the desire of our hearts. But when God takes the time to audibly speak that to you—this word resonated with such power! Psalm 5:4 says wickedness cannot stay in the presence of God. I felt the presence of God with so much power. I pondered how after all I had done wrong, could God still tell me I would have all the desires of my heart and all my hopes and dreams. Because……God desires every part of us. He desires our whole heart. He doesn’t want us to hold anything back. In this case, our children is a gift from God. We are given them for a short period of time and he expects us to raise them in the way he says they should go. God trusts us with that. He also tells us he will reward our efforts—even when we make mistakes. He desires to be the Lord of our lives—of my life, your life and even my daughter’s life. I had to let her go for God to be able to do the complete work in her he desired to do.
Am I still “there” for my daughter? Yes! Absolutely! But she is a grown woman and she had to learn how to live her life on her own without mom always being there to tell her what she should do. God is able. After all, God raised us, right?
During this season in early 2015, the Lord asked me what I wanted him to do. He said, “Just ask.” I listed the many desires he had developed in me of seeing people and nations set free from bondage and walk in the light of his salvation. He listed as I rambled on and on. Then he said, “Where much is given, much is required.” Well, well, well. Profound silence. It’s that moment when you realize your desires have become God’s desires for you. But…..he wants all of you. He must have all of you, an undivided heart, to accomplish his purpose in your life.
Today, I remind God often saying, “Remember, you said you would give me ALL the desires of my heart and ALL my hopes and dreams. Well…..” Me and God are good that way. As most of my desires are for the welfare of others, I do have many of my own desires, hopes and dreams that stay tucked away in my heart and firmly seated in God’s keeping hand. Of course, they evolve and change. Such is the way of God. Although HE never changes, the world around us does, therefore, we need to be pliable to be usable by God.
Until then…..We continue to “Dream a little dream, dream a little while, hmmm, hmmm” (I really wish I knew the name of this song. I think it’s a Steven Curtis Chapman song. It’s been stuck in my head for 15 years. So…..if you know what that name of this song is, I would appreciate you letting me know so I can get it out of my head and sing it in its complete form.)
Learning to let go. It’s a process that will continue until we are with him in heaven.